A little vision

Numb. The sting of awful news had subsided, leaving me numb, cold, and tired. My sweetheart would do his best to bring up all the medical and family drama, only to hear an icy and superficial muttering. After days curled up on the couch or in bed, I began shaking off the pain of the pills taken, and the pain caused by the disease they treated. As I  started getting my energy back, I was grateful for a weekend with my husband at home.

The night of our first date, almost six years ago, we spend 4 or 5 hours walking around Salt Lake City, just talking and enjoying the company of a new friend. Talking is what we have always been so natural at with each other, once we stopped trying to play it cool. For me, this last weekend felt so much like that first date. It was just what I needed to reconnect with my love, and to remember our family of two.

Friday night, we walked around downtown together and bought a couple cokes. Saturday we did grocery shopping with Hayley and Weston's son in tow, and then stayed up all night just talking. Sunday we slept in until noon, and spent the evening making a vision board. Since we are both such planners, it was really nice getting so many of our goals down in one place. There is so much we want to accomplish, and so many places we want to go. Babies will happen somehow, sometime, either biologically or not. Kids are just one part of the picture, and I have lots of them in my life now!

It is still difficult to be positive right now, but I am no longer numb to it, and I am so grateful for the family I have.

Chocolate, 30 Rock, and a few tears

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“Go to her” my sweet husband prompted. After making me dinner, he had one more trick up his sleeve. The best medicine I could ask for right now is my dear friend/soul mate Liz Lemon on my favorite show "30 Rock." We have kept ourselves busy enough to avoid thinking about it for most of the night, but neither of us is ready to mourn that loss yet. Liz is the key. At least for tonight. 

After 3 weeks of pain and doctors visits, I was told today that for the second time in the past year I have another infection that will likely prevent me from having children. I am not writing this to gain sympathy or get all TMI on the world. I just want to say it once, and be done with it.  It is really hard to keep telling the same sad story with a stone face and an uncomfortable joke (Insert uncomfortable reference to my inability to keep a plant alive here). I will have to tell hundreds of people over the next few decades that I don’t have kids, and may never. If I can skip a few rounds of that, I will be a happy girl.

There are so many women in my life who are in a similar situation, so I’d also like to share some tips on being sensitive to women with reproductive issues (I am ever the therapist).

• Don’t say “it will happen someday” or “the lord will bless you.” It may never happen, and he may never bless you in that way.

•   Don’t start every first conversation with “How long have you been married? Do you have children? Why not?” I am cool with friends asking my “why not?” but DUDE! Buy me dinner first!

•   Don’t be offended when we just can’t see another baby photo or don’t respond to your cheerful text message announcing you are pregnant.
• Don’t stop sharing your life with your friends and family because you are worried about hurting our un-mommy feelings. We may feel pangs of jealousy and curse you for getting pregnant by surprise, exactly when you wanted to, or simply before us. It will pass, and we will be genuinely happy for you when we are ready to.
•  Don’t say you’re sorry for us, and try not to bring it up. We need love and friendship, not pity and reminders that life is hard.

My life is full, and blessed. It will take time, but Christopher and I will be ok. We are already planning the next trip, and browsing dog rescues. I will be hanging out with my pal Liz Lemon, eating plenty of chocolate, and disengaging from social media until I can handle the baby-filled world we live in. I am so glad my husband gets me so completely.

            

 P.S. Christopher promises he will "END YOU" if you bring up babies. Watch your backs suckas!

Kisses

Christopher and I are snugly. And rather mushy.

The past few months, I have noticed that Christopher frequently gives me kisses when I turn over in the night (which happens all night long). The other night, Christopher gave me kisses and told me he loved me when I turned over. The next morning, he told me he slept like a rock. During lunch, it hit me that he wasn't awake when he gave me kisses at night. Instead of sweetly kissing me when I woke him up with my nightly tossing and turning, he kisses me without even having to think about it!He has no recollection of all the kisses he has given me. I love that man!

Happy Five Years!

Happy five year anniversary!

We met in September of 2007 through our friends Hayley and Wes in Salt Lake City. Christopher worked with Hayley, and Wes and I dated briefly before becoming friends. By the end of the evening, Christopher and I were hooked. We went out the very next night, and were married the next June.

Over the last five years, Christopher and I have shared so much.

  2.5 degrees earned (a MA for Christopher, an BS & 1/2 of a MA for Amanda)

7 apartments in 2 states

8 Cell phones

3 Subaru's driven until they begged for mercy

Countless jobs

9 operations (6 were for Christopher!)

and many, many, chocolate bars...

I can honestly say we have been in love every day of it. Almost nothing in our life together has remained constant, except that love. We have learned so much together. Most of all, we have learned that our love is worth everything. It is worth every dollar, every fight, every sacrifice, and every ounce of pride you have.

The five biggest things I have learned from our marriage so far are:

1. Fighting is good and healthy.
When we were first married, fighting was very scary. By now, we can laugh and joke during a big fight, or even pause to sleep or host guests. We can fight without ever calling names, swearing, or raising our voices. We fight at least monthly, and sometimes daily. Neither of us love fighting, but it isn't scary anymore.

2. You can never have to many nicknames.
 Christopher gives me a new nickname nearly every day. Some catch on, like aPanda; while others I never want to hear again, like Pandy-boo-boo. Most are super silly, and some get oddly competitive. While to others this may look like a nauseating little game, to us it is just another way of saying "I love you" and "you are mine."

 

3. Intimacy is so much more then they make it out to be on TV.
On TV, intimacy is sex. They are essentially interchangeable. In reality, many of our most intimate moments happen before, after, or without sex. Holding hands while waiting for the anesthesiologist to put you to sleep before they remove your appendix, comforting your partner after hearing that their dad is in the hospital, or holding your love tightly in the morning because that is exactly where you want to be, are some of the most intimate moments I have ever been a part of. Sex is fun, romantic, intimate, and sexy; but intimacy can exist completely without sex.

4. Being married to your equal is hard, but so worth it.
Christopher and I often say that we have the same brain. That is awesome when we have the same taste in movies and restaurants, but frustrating when we out-stubborn each other in an argument. We can drive one another crazy, but we haven't killed anybody yet. At the end of the day, he is the man I want to come home to, and he is the one I want to share the good and the bad with. I'd rather fight with him than anyone else!

5. It's us against the world.
Many people, from relatives to random sales people have tried to pit us against each other for lots of stupid reasons. In a loving marriage, spouses stick together. When people say negative junk about me, Christopher shuts it down. Likewise, I won't stand for that crap. I always know he has my back, and I have his. 

I love my Christopher, and can't wait to share the rest of my life (and then some) with my best friend.

Bejos,

Amanda

In needle in a foot

Last week I had a really bad cough and a pain in my foot, so I went into Urgent care for cough syrup and an x-ray. As I was walking back from my x-ray, the tech asked me if I had ever hurt my foot, or had surgery, because I had a wire or something in my foot! Turns out, I must have stepped on a needle as a kid, and it found a cozy spot in my foot and decided to stay.

I get to wear a cool surgical boot while I heal, but the needle is here to stay.

The Escalante River, Snow Canyon, Capitol Reef, and Freemont Indian National Parks, Cedar City and St. George

 Hanging out with my new friend
 
We took a four day weekend this month, hitting up Cedar City, The Escalante River, Snow Canyon St. George, Boulder, Capitol Reef National Park, and Freemont Indian National Park. It was a crazy weekend, and now we are up to six national and state parks so far this month! 

 After driving in late Thursday night, we slept in Friday, then went antiquing and dining in St. George.

 Saturday, we took the Escalante river trail, visited Boulder, and went driving through Capitol Reef national Park scenic drive. On the Escalante trail, we spotted remnants of the Anizasi cave homes.

 Canyonlands

 Sunday, we went hiking in Snow Canyon National Park, and got super lost! Somehow, we found our way back to the car, and back to the Thai place for dinner. While in the park, there was so much wildlife. We spotted a snake, rabbits, lizards, and a bat. The desert was in bloom, and the weather was perfect. This was a my favorite day on the trip!

 Inside a lava cave

 Lava flow and caves

 Petrified sand dunes

 Cactus in bloom

 Lizards

 Petrified sand dune

 Monday, we took the scenic route home. We were both so tired after a weekend full of hiking, and I had a bum foot, but we still managed to hit up Freemont Indian national Park. It was a small park, but there were lots of pictographs along the canyons, and a neat little museum with artifacts and a  forensic recreation of a Freemont Indian woman skull.

It was a great, and busy trip!

Little Sahara, Eureka, and the Pony Express Trail

Christopher was given the day off for Good Friday, so we decided to take a road trip. We headed south west, and stopped off in Eureka, an old mining town.

 This is the old prohibition era bar.

 This is their old jail. I know I'd behave well if trouble meant living in that prison...

Next we went to little Sahara. We were hoping to get in a hike at the dunes, but it was wild with adults and kids on four wheelers and motorbikes. We stopped for lunch, and were on our way.

On the way home, we stopped by the pony express trail. My history buff is a big fan of historical plaques, so he was practically giddy. 

We also stopped by fort Bridger, the fort were US militia were stationed to keep Utah from uprising. there was a lovely little cemetery across the street for the soldiers that dies while stationed there.

Not bad for a Friday!