Thursday, July 18, 2013

Bow Three Times

For the last couple of hours I have been soaking up the words of admired family therapist Virginia Satir. I have always thought of her as a wise grandmother, a woman who could see right through you and know how best to love and support you no matter where you come from. Seriously, you have to see her in action (thank you youtube!), with her tall, plump stature, vibrant dresses with big earrings, and her large round specticals. Her round voice and soft hands envelop her clients as if they are dear children, because in her mind, we are all unique and beautiful beings. Finishing the last of my videos for the day, she repeated a piece of advise she gave her clients that she felt would create a more peaceful world if embraced by all.

"Each morning, bow three times in front of the 
mirror. Tell yourself that the world is a better place 
because you are here."

I can't help but believe her when she says that we would all exist and love in more peaceful way if we could learn to love and appreciate ourselves and the influence we have on the world. Would it be like Jimmy Stewart at the end of It's a Wonderful Life, when he leaves the bridge he wanted to end his life on, only to find all of those he loved in the home he thought he would never see again?

Christopher and I always seem to be in the midst of transition. The world around us has felt especially chaotic of late, as I transition from dreams of motherhood to questions about my motives and fears about launching a career that will likely be a much bigger part of my life than I ever thought it would be. If I took dear Virginia's advise, would I behave differently? Would I focus more on who I am and who I want to be, rather than what I do, and what I want to do? Can I somehow channel the spirit of Virginia Satir, and the love she would have for me (sounds crazy, but I just know she would love me), and allow her to guide me to love myself more? Do I have the faith in myself to bow three times?

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

A little vision

Numb. The sting of awful news had subsided, leaving me numb, cold, and tired. My sweetheart would do his best to bring up all the medical and family drama, only to hear an icy and superficial muttering. After days curled up on the couch or in bed, I began shaking off the pain of the pills taken, and the pain caused by the disease they treated. As I  started getting my energy back, I was grateful for a weekend with my husband at home.

The night of our first date, almost six years ago, we spend 4 or 5 hours walking around Salt Lake City, just talking and enjoying the company of a new friend. Talking is what we have always been so natural at with each other, once we stopped trying to play it cool. For me, this last weekend felt so much like that first date. It was just what I needed to reconnect with my love, and to remember our family of two.



Friday night, we walked around downtown together and bought a couple cokes. Saturday we did grocery shopping with Hayley and Weston's son in tow, and then stayed up all night just talking. Sunday we slept in until noon, and spent the evening making a vision board. Since we are both such planners, it was really nice getting so many of our goals down in one place. There is so much we want to accomplish, and so many places we want to go. Babies will happen somehow, sometime, either biologically or not. Kids are just one part of the picture, and I have lots of them in my life now!


It is still difficult to be positive right now, but I am no longer numb to it, and I am so grateful for the family I have.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Chocolate, 30 Rock, and a few tears

-->
“Go to her” my sweet husband prompted. After making me dinner, he had one more trick up his sleeve. The best medicine I could ask for right now is my dear friend/soul mate Liz Lemon on my favorite show "30 Rock." We have kept ourselves busy enough to avoid thinking about it for most of the night, but neither of us is ready to mourn that loss yet. Liz is the key. At least for tonight. 



After 3 weeks of pain and doctors visits, I was told today that for the second time in the past year I have another infection that will likely prevent me from having children. I am not writing this to gain sympathy or get all TMI on the world. I just want to say it once, and be done with it.  It is really hard to keep telling the same sad story with a stone face and an uncomfortable joke (Insert uncomfortable reference to my inability to keep a plant alive here). I will have to tell hundreds of people over the next few decades that I don’t have kids, and may never. If I can skip a few rounds of that, I will be a happy girl.

There are so many women in my life who are in a similar situation, so I’d also like to share some tips on being sensitive to women with reproductive issues (I am ever the therapist).
  • Don’t say “it will happen someday” or “the lord will bless you.” It may never happen, and he may never bless you in that way.
  •   Don’t start every first conversation with “How long have you been married? Do you have children? Why not?” I am cool with friends asking my “why not?” but DUDE! Buy me dinner first!
  •   Don’t be offended when we just can’t see another baby photo or don’t respond to your cheerful text message announcing you are pregnant.
  • Don’t stop sharing your life with your friends and family because you are worried about hurting our un-mommy feelings. We may feel pangs of jealousy and curse you for getting pregnant by surprise, exactly when you wanted to, or simply before us. It will pass, and we will be genuinely happy for you when we are ready to.
  •  Don’t say you’re sorry for us, and try not to bring it up. We need love and friendship, not pity and reminders that life is hard.



My life is full, and blessed. It will take time, but Christopher and I will be ok. We are already planning the next trip, and browsing dog rescues. I will be hanging out with my pal Liz Lemon, eating plenty of chocolate, and disengaging from social media until I can handle the baby-filled world we live in. I am so glad my husband gets me so completely.
            
 P.S. Christopher promises he will "END YOU" if you bring up babies. Watch your backs suckas!